Serving

So for the last few weeks I have been planning on going on another 10 day vipassana retreat. I was looking so forward to meditating for 10 days and being silent above all else. But last night the center called me and told me that three female servers were not coming and asked if I could fill in. This caused a raging ego fit for some reason. I have this idea that I cannot accomplish what I am going there to accomplish as a server. The servers are not silent, and only sit 3 hours a day plus the discourse. So I still get in about 30 hours of meditation, but its the silent part. I really need to sit and be silent and not do anything. I was hoping to go up there and serve later this year but I have some serious things to work out at the moment that I know will heal themselves if I follow the course. I cannot stay in a constant state of meditation with the other servers talking to me and to each other, we all know how that goes, or mabye not all but let me tell you. Meditation in the outer world sucks in comparison. I need the structure and discipline, and more than anything, the silence. Even if I could work in silence away from the other servers that would be acceptable. I was not planning on going up there at all this time, it just happened that way. I cannot afford to take that much time off of work to go up there and not be able to do what I set out to do. I know it will be benificial either way, and yes this is a rather selfish outlook and contrary to the teachings of Goenka but I feel like if I cant sit this one, then I might as well not go at all. I cant just take 12 days off of work on a whim, I know I am not going to be able to go again until at the soonest, the end of this year. I took this time off without pay and I just cannot justify it if I don't sit.

"Continue to purify your mind and also help others to purify their own minds. You should not forget others while purifying your mind, but it is not healthy to try to help others without purifying yourself. If you are not strong, how can you help another weak person to become strong?"

I am not in the right state of mind to serve, my mind is not purified, I did not keep up the practice from last time, how then is it right for me to serve? If I am not strong, I cannot help a weak person to be strong.